Day 192 – Old and Broken ~

When my Dad passed away in August, not only did I have the pain of his death but also the anxiety of seeing a sibling that I haven’t had contact with in 25 years.

My step-brother forced me to have sex with him when I was 8 and 9 years old. He is older than me, so of course I complied. Besides, he was not the first person to use me for those things, so I thought it was part of life and something I was obligated to do.

It wasn’t until about two years of therapy with Ms. A when I found out it was incest and rape. I remember telling her that I don’t think he viewed it that way.

So last week, I got a message from this step-brother inquiring about my recovery from Hurricane Ian. I decided to respond. I said, “Yes, but I am struggling with other things”.

His response was so unexpected and shocking. He asked this question, “Am I a part of those things?”. I text him back and simply told him that he was but that I didn’t know any different. He said he was sorry and that he had been wanting to apologize to me.

The abuse happened nearly 50 years ago. I never, ever expected an apology.

At that moment, I ran outside and called a friend. I was crying and overwhelmed and trying to figure out if I should be happy.

All my life I thought one apology was all I needed and I would feel like all of my heartache was finally justified.

It’s been 4 days and I still am not sure how to feel about it.

I’m trying to just let whatever feelings come to me just happen. I’m trying not to over analyze it and make myself crazy with the questions.

Should the apology erase the pain? For the last 50 years I have hated myself because I was used by him.

I would have really liked hearing a reason for the abuse. Instead it was a blank apology and he simply stated that he was “young and dumb”.

Well brother, Now I am “old and broken” but thanks for the apology.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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