There have been many areas of growth since I began therapy 4 years ago. But the one thing that hasn’t changed is that I haven’t been able to talk about the sexual part of the abuse. You know, the dark details. I keep getting right there and stopping myself from taking the plunge.
Mostly it’s fear. Fear of embarrassment. Fear of shame. Fear of judgement. Fear of having more flashbacks and nightmares. Fear of feeling like death is the only way to freedom.
I have talked to Mrs. A about literally everything except the part that haunts my days and nights.
I was telling her yesterday that it feels like I am about to jump out of an airplane and I’m not sure if I have a parachute or not. Being a person of faith, she reminded me of my own faith and trust in the One who controls the earth and the skies. In my heart of hearts, I know that I will survive telling the story. I survived the original event. So, how can this be worse? But as I’ve said before, the first time was survival, and I was able to dissociate and disconnect from anything that was happening to me at that time. These days those coping skills don’t work so well for me. I can’t just disappear as soon as I feel pain or heartache. In some ways, this sucks. Although mentally I am much healthier, it doesn’t make me feel better about embarking on this journey of re-living the past.
The point is, that by not telling someone, I’m still keeping the secrets. I am still protecting the perpetrators. I’m still ashamed of my own story.
So, as we started to talk about the story yesterday, I immediately broke down in tears and felt like I needed to run fast and far away. I cried off and on all day. My head hurt. My heart hurt and I just wanted to quit once again.
I’m supposed to start practicing by writing out the details on paper as the memories come to me. I have fears about that too. What if someone finds it? What if I get overwhelmed? What if I start to connect with my own story?
As I move thru this journey, I’m not sure how much I will share here, however, I will share the affects of disclosure as I move go thru the process.
Please, if you are a person of faith, offer prayers for my heart and soul to be strong enough to survive jumping from the airplane and possibly breaking an arm or leg before landing.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.