I can’t believe it has been almost 6 weeks since I have blogged. I have thought about it almost daily. I felt like I should on most days, but couldn’t do it without forcing something to write about.
I’m in a weird stage in my recovery. I went in to my therapists office on Jan 5th and told her that I’m ready to get to the details. I’m ready to start to finish. For months I have felt so close to being at a breakthrough. So close, and yet so far. It’s so hard to surrender to the secrets. It’s so hard to release the control that I have held onto for 40+ years.
I feel like if I can just reach the pain, I can start to heal it. But that pain is so scary. How will I handle it? Will I cry? Will I go insane? Will I go into a deep dark hole and never come out?
It’s like having dark, dark secrets and you know you need to turn the light on. If the light shines on them, they will no longer be scary. Or will they? The worst part about the secrets is that once you begin to tell them, you remember more secrets. It’s like opening Pandora’s Box. What if there are things in there you don’t want to remember? What if those secrets cause more nightmares and flashbacks?
I was telling a friend the other day that I need to get to the pain so that I can get through the pain and finally leave the pain. Does that make sense? All these years, I have tried to go around the pain. Little did I know that in the midst of a literal hurricane, I would be moved back to the beginning start block and have to play the whole game all over again. Now I know that there truly is no way around it. You can bypass it for a time, but it isn’t truly gone until you walk thru it, heal it, and lay it down.
I’m so blessed to have an incredible team of professionals who are helping me take the next step in my journey. Sometimes they literally push me. Sometimes I want to quit. Most of the time, I am overwhelmed. But I’m determined. I told Mrs. A that I may not always get things right, but at least I keep showing up.
It’s really all about accepting it as MY story. It’s My history. It happened to ME! Only when I let that settle in my soul and begin the acceptance process, will I truly be free. Acceptance doesn’t mean taking blame or shame. It just means I get to use my story to live my purpose.
One day at a time. One memory at a time. One healing for a lifetime.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.