The one thing that I have learned about therapy is that you learn things about yourself that can be so uncomfortable and even cause you to question your purpose in life.
I have heard people say it doesn’t work for them because it makes things worse. Or they say it’s too hard. I’ve heard other trauma victims say that it is too painful to relive the trauma and that it causes more memories to surface. Either way, it takes a very brave person to open up their inner-most thoughts to anyone, much less a stranger.
Isn’t it easier to ignore or deny our own issues, failures, short-comings, emotions, and painful memories? Isn’t it easier to just decide to be satisfied with who we are, even if we don’t like ourselves?
As I sat in Mrs. A’s office earlier tonight, I had this weird moment of reality. Thinking to myself, I’m here to tell her what I hate, what I love, and everything in between. I’m here to tell her my private thoughts. I’m here to tell her what’s on my mind, in my soul, and in my heart.
I almost always go in thinking that I will share as little as possible. I will let her think that I’m completely normal and have NO issues whatsoever. I want her to think that I’m done with recovery and things are as good as they can get.
But as soon as I start to open up and realize all the things that I need to “fix” about myself, I almost always start tearing up. A good majority of the time, I leave feeling hopeless, even though she reassures me each time of the great progress that I have made.
But do I trust her? Is she just saying this because she’s tired of me? Is she saying this because she wants me to like her?
One of the hardest things for me to believe (and she has told me many times) is that I’m a likeable person. I have a hard time with that because I don’t like much about myself. My own behaviors drive me crazy. But they seem out of my control. My day to day responses to the outside world are so pre-programmed. I have responded to love, anger. happiness and sadness in the same ways since I was 5 years old. I have trusted those behaviors to keep me safe. And they have. But they have many times kept me isolated and lonely, for fear of rejection or disapproval.
Those same behaviors have ruined relationships. Those same behaviors have caused me to self-harm, or consider suicide. Those same behaviors have lied to me, all of my life.
I hunger for the truth about myself, but how do I know what that truth is. It’s obvious that it’s hard for me to sort those thoughts into good or bad and truth or lies.
I asked Mrs. A this question tonight; “How do I stop being who I am?” “How do I change what I hate about myself?” She said she wanted me to lean to accept and appreciate who I am at this stage in my recovery. She says that I will miss the beauty of my own transformation.
In conclusion, I’m not really sure what the point of this post is, except that I just feel so overwhelmed with “self introspection” and I wish I could turn it off. I don’t think it’s normal to always be thinking about your own behaviors and responses to everything in your life. I could be wrong. Maybe everyone does it? I highly doubt it. But then again doubting is what I do.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day!