The last few months have been a time of grief and reality acceptance for me. I have had numerous moments of harsh reality leading to sadness.
But the grief and sadness have been different. I used to feel sad and feel bad for even being alive. Many, many times I saw myself as flawed or imperfect for having feelings. I felt as if my own sadness made me more sad and my tears made me weak.
This past weekend I was away at a ranch in Texas. It actually brought me so much clarity and healing.
Today, I made this statement, “I can feel sad for what happened to me and not feel sad for being alive”. This is huge.
It’s been six years since the hurricane in Houston turned my life upside down. It’s been six years since my PTSD symptoms started and took over my life. It’s been six years since I sat at the lake one night trying to figure out how to take my own life.
Today, I feel like I do want to live.
Most people do not know that I have struggled daily with suicidal thoughts and/or when will this all come to an end. Two months ago, I wanted to crash my car into a tree. I didn’t however, because the thought of what that would do to my son, granddaughter, and friends, kept me from doing it.
It’s only been the last two years that I have begun to feel love and accepted in my relationships. I put away some older, not so healthy relationships and started to develop new ones. I have begun to place more value on myself than what others think of me.
I won’t lie. I still struggle with whether or not I am good enough. I struggle with the fear that my friends will leave or abandon me as most of my family has done.
I have begun to accept that what happened to me has given me purpose. What happened to me has helped me to really hear other people talk. It has helped me to give true empathy in a way that I never could have without the experiences.
I look forward to more travel, even if it is alone. I have worked very hard to get to this place in my life and I want to keep moving forward. Sometimes I just need to step away and refresh. Renew my mindset and get things back into perspective.
Tonight, I feel proud of myself and just saying that is a huge step. Healing trauma is hard work and I am really thankful to have two great therapists to guide me and walk with me through this journey.
My story is tough to talk about. I’m thankful for the close friends that I have supported me and made me feel like I’m ok, even if I have fears that may not seem realistic to others. Fear sometimes is fiction we make up in our heads being influenced by past experiences. Every time I conquer a fear, it feels good. It feels empowering and it feels like they (the traumas) no longer control my life.
As I said at the beginning of this blog, “I will tell my story until I die and hopefully at least one person will feel less alone in their healing journey”.
Healing is messy and hard. Healing is painful and scary. Healing is not for the weak.
Whatever you need to heal from, take a chance. It is worth it.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day!