Day 141 – If I’m Honest ~

Honesty is simply the hardest thing when it comes to self reflection. To tell yourself what you truly need to hear is often shadowed by our need to have others validate our insecurities.

Since I’ve been single for many, many years, people have frequently asked me if I get lonely. I have always adamantly replied “NO”, and usually followed with a laugh or some remark about me not being easy to live with.

In the past (in my numb days), I don’t think I ever truly missed being with someone. It was always so much easier than loving, and being loved. When I started to feel lonely, I would hang out with distant friends, who required no commitment of sharing thoughts, feelings and dreams. Those hangouts were usually involved alcohol and/or some sort of distraction event that did not involve any type of intimacy or vulnerability.

Since I’ve started in this trauma healing journey, I have begun to form new relationships, as well as trying to rekindle a few that I let go of because it was easier than letting anyone know that I was hurting.

But it’s hard! I haven’t experienced loneliness (or many other feelings) in the last 25 years. I cut those off long ago. If someone didn’t have time for me, it was easy. If someone rejected me, it was not a problem. I was very secure with being insecure.

But the last few weeks, (since going thru the job changes), I have felt so lonely. Almost painfully so. I absolutely hate the feeling. I hate feelings period.

The problem is that I avoid the intimacy to avoid the feelings and then I have feelings of being lonely. I told Ms. A, in our session yesterday, that I created my own problem and it feels like a vicious cycle. She said to me, “No, no you didn’t. Childhood trauma created your problem.”

Really? I was ok with blaming myself. I was ok with feeling like a total failure. It sort of gave being lonely a definition. If I’m a failure, no one is supposed to like me, or want to spend time with me. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts.

The last few weeks, life has felt kind of pointless. It’s just work, eat, sleep, repeat. I need to feel connected to life and to people. It’s very awkward to say this, but I miss human touch. I miss quiet conversations. I miss hanging out and adventures. I miss all the things that I was able to reject and never feel bad about it.

The problem with it, is that I cannot go back to “numb” and unfeeling. It’s like I crossed a bridge and now I can’t go back. The bridge is gone and now, I can only go forward. I’m too afraid to jump in 100 percent and I’m too far in to feel numb again. It’s sort of like being lost in the forest. You don’t know how you got there or how you are supposed to get out.

I’ve tried to pitch a tent and just remain there until I can find a way out. But, the I just get tired of the search. I get tired of studying a map that I don’t understand.

I wish someone would send in the search and rescue and help me find my way out.
It just seems so big, and so scary. So I just sit here waiting for the day, when I don’t have to yell for help anymore.

Finally, I know people love me and care about me. I just am so afraid of letting other’s down, or being abandoned, that I just find it hard to let the walls down. The walls are here to make me feel safe. Not to keep others out.
I hope they know and understand that and know that I am trying.

Until next time, I am being MJ every day!