What an emotional week it has been. I had a session with Mrs. A on Monday and again on Thursday. Both times I was not able to say what was on my mind. Infact, the pressure I was putting on myself was immense. I wanted so badly to tell her about some of the things that happened to me after leaving the resort (mental hospital for new readers), and my parents had moved away. All I could do was cry. I was so ashamed. I didn’t even want her to look at me.
So now it’s already Thursday evening and I’m dreading Friday. My best employee and one of my greatest supporters, had decided to leave her job to study abroad. Rarely, do I ever let someone near my heart. It’s just too hard. After my brother passed away, loss just became another day. I vowed not let anyone else in that wasn’t already there. That way, I’m sure to not feel that pain again for a very long time.
Anyway, It’s Friday and Alma’s last day. I’m crying driving to work. I can’t imagine my days without her. We had a thing that she always called me Mama Bird and I called her Baby Bird for four incredible years. We joked about her leaving the nest one day. Well, today is that day. I can’t imagine coming back from a rough therapy session and her silent hugs not being there. She never said a word. I just knew that she knew I was in pain. PS, I don’t do hugs very well, so that was a huge step in itself.
As the day is unfolding, I’m off to my third therapy session of the week. I had to somehow rectify my two earlier failures, and try again to say these black memories that are tormenting me.
I wrote on a piece of paper, “Today I give myself permission to let go of fear and shame”. I read it 10 times before going in to see Mrs. A.
We started by talking about Alma and how I avoided the company farewell speeches. A few mins in, she asked me what I came to say today and I just jumped in.
I shared several events with one of my abusers that were dark and dirty. Because I was an older teenager, the guilt was too much. I never ever spoke about those events to anyone. But today I did it.
I was nauseated. Feeling like I’m dying, but reaching deep to say the words. It was probably one of my hugest victories in this healing process so far. I left feeling exhausted and conflicted. I still had to go back to work and say goodbye to Baby Bird.
I did just that. I let her leave the nest with my prayers and best wishes.
What a day. What a week. Healing is hard work. Saying goodbye sucks.
But I’m alive. And for today, that’s good enough.
Until next time, I am being MJ every day.