Have you ever had one of those days where you feel like nothing you do is right?
That is me today. I try to not always feel like I have to be in control of every situation. But today I remembered why I do that.
I feel like when I relax and start to feel better about myself, I screw something up. It’s so hard for me to accept my own mistakes and move on.
It feels like the mistakes just stock pile and I’m buried under the weight of them.
I have a hard time accepting that I am human. Heck, most of the time I have a hard time accepting that I’m still alive.
Today I annoyed myself. All day. I didn’t like my attitude. I didn’t like my hair. I didn’t like the clothes I was wearing. I didn’t like the way I avoid things that make me uncomfortable.
I kept thinking that it’s no wonder that my parents and my siblings were always annoyed with me.
Some people would refer to this as a pity party. Some would say it’s just depression. Some might say I’m crazy. Literally.
The truth is that I’m just trying so hard to like myself.
I’m trying so hard to take this recovery thing one day at a time. But its slow. And painful. I want it to be done. I want to love me. I want to love others and be loved without fear of rejection or being abandoned.
Sometimes I think I put myself on some sort of pedastal, where I’m not capable or allowed to make mistakes. I’m not allowed to be human. It’s my rule for me. If I’ma perfect person I can be loved. If I make mistakes, I’ll be abandoned.
I don’t understand my thinking. It frustrates me. This type of thinking is a direct result of childhood abuse and how the brain handles trauma.
My fight, flight, or fawn responses are reflexes that I don’t even think about before they happen.
The self talk and analysis goes on in my head every minute that I’m awake. It’s like being in Vegas. The noise never stops. My brain sometimes feels like a prison. Or a punishment.
Even sleep is not a relief because there are those nightmares and terrors that come at the time whe you need relief and quiet.
It’s not hard to understand why it feels sometimes like death is the only true freedom.
I’m not looking for sympathy or attention. I just wish my brain had a window and others could see and understand the struggle.
Tonight I’m going to pray harder than I ever have. I’m asking all believers to pray for us, the people who struggle with life. There has to be an answer. And it has to be supernatural.
Until next time – I am being Mj every day.