Over the past few nights I have had some weird and scarey dreams.
When I have an unsettling night, it makes me not want to go to bed the following night.
Last night I slept about an hour and a half, fully dressed and with the lights on.
Staying dressed feels safe. And if I have a bad dream, and the light is on, it’s much easier to recognize it as a nightmare and not occuring at that moment.
When I get up to go on with my day, I’m ashamed of myself for behaving like a child. My parents used to get mad at me for wanting a light on during the night. I was always scared of the dark, because many times I would see someone standing beside my bed. Sometimes, I would run into their bedroom begging them to help me and telling them someone was in my room.
Most of the time they either chuckled or said I was being silly. Is this normal for a 13 or 14 year old? As a parent, would you not see a giant red flag?
So many things about my abuse were so obvious. I just don’t understand how no one got it.
So as I’m discussing with Mrs. A my bedtime frustrations, she asked me if I could tell her if anything was better.
I didn’t know what to say. The bad nights seem to screw up any glimpse of good days. Im always exhausted but never happy to go back to bed.
We discussed a few things that have changed and my confusion over both good and bad emotions. Even when I’m happy, I have to think about if it’s appropriate and I tell myself to remember that happiness is temporary.
I hate that I can’t process emotions like a normal person. It really makes me more ashamed of who I am.
So I’ve been thinking about the overall healing process since I left my appointment.
Yes, some things are better. The biggest thing is that I dont think about dying or my purpose every single day. Some days now, I’m just living.
I’m so ready to get beyond the “just living” stage and really start to love my life and who I am.
So, in some ways I’m better but the nightmares and flashbacks are no joke.
Is it better? Yes. Do I want more out of life, Yes yes yes.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.