** TRIGGER WARNING – Please use self-care when reading my blog. Part or all of it may be triggering and contains references to explicit sexual and physical abuses.
Last weekend I started having very vivid memories of the body parts of two of my abusers. I tried with all my might to push the memories away. The harder I tried, the more it would play on repeat in my mind. I fought the tears and sadness all weekend. I stayed particularly busy and tried not to be idol for even one minute. Because of these memories, I stayed at a friends house for the weekend. Honestly, I was not feeling like being alone would be a safe choice. Perhaps I was avoiding in some ways, but I survived and ultimately that is what is important.
This morning as I am in session with my Mrs. A, I explained to her that I could see shape, color and size as if it was yesterday. I was trying to figure out if these were flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, as if the name of them mattered. I guess that was my way of sharing what I was remembering and some deflecting from the real point of the memory.
What really happened in these memories, was that I was seeing how small a child’s mouth is compared to that of an adult male penis. It would have been incredibly obvious to the perpetrator that he was making this small child very uncomfortable. There were obvious signs. Eyes water, gagging, throwing up, etc. And yet, none of that mattered except his power and ability to be in control.
I honestly believe that sexual abuse has nothing to do with sexual pleasure but more about control, narcissism, taboo, and the pleasure of watching another person suffer.
This is the first time I think I really gave any blame to the perpetrators at all. Not only were they older but much larger in stature and very intimidating by size alone. I keep replaying in my mind the whole scene and wondering why compassion or sympathy never took over their actions.
For today, I think this would be considered a giant step in the direction of healing. Even if I let it happen, (speaking from the mind of victim) they had choices. And they could have chosen to set me free.
If they had only taken a moment to compare themselves, life might be different for all of us.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.