Day 173 – Compared to a Child ~

** TRIGGER WARNING – Please use self-care when reading my blog. Part or all of it may be triggering and contains references to explicit sexual and physical abuses.

Last weekend I started having very vivid memories of the body parts of two of my abusers. I tried with all my might to push the memories away. The harder I tried, the more it would play on repeat in my mind. I fought the tears and sadness all weekend. I stayed particularly busy and tried not to be idol for even one minute. Because of these memories, I stayed at a friends house for the weekend. Honestly, I was not feeling like being alone would be a safe choice. Perhaps I was avoiding in some ways, but I survived and ultimately that is what is important.

This morning as I am in session with my Mrs. A, I explained to her that I could see shape, color and size as if it was yesterday. I was trying to figure out if these were flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, as if the name of them mattered. I guess that was my way of sharing what I was remembering and some deflecting from the real point of the memory.

What really happened in these memories, was that I was seeing how small a child’s mouth is compared to that of an adult male penis. It would have been incredibly obvious to the perpetrator that he was making this small child very uncomfortable. There were obvious signs. Eyes water, gagging, throwing up, etc. And yet, none of that mattered except his power and ability to be in control.

I honestly believe that sexual abuse has nothing to do with sexual pleasure but more about control, narcissism, taboo, and the pleasure of watching another person suffer.

This is the first time I think I really gave any blame to the perpetrators at all. Not only were they older but much larger in stature and very intimidating by size alone. I keep replaying in my mind the whole scene and wondering why compassion or sympathy never took over their actions.

For today, I think this would be considered a giant step in the direction of healing. Even if I let it happen, (speaking from the mind of victim) they had choices. And they could have chosen to set me free.

If they had only taken a moment to compare themselves, life might be different for all of us.

Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.

9 thoughts on “Day 173 – Compared to a Child ~

  1. I agree with you about sexual abuse not being about sexual pleasure, and I think that’s probably why a lot of sexual abusers of children aren’t pedophiles.

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  2. Thank you for sharing and the trigger warning. For me, wrestling with the memories of being physically and verbally abused as a child have been the hardest part for me in healing. I am grateful for my therapist guiding me along the journey of healing. My prayer is that you will continue to find healing as you work through your past.

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  3. Just wanted to drop a great big hug here for you. I get it. I understand. Blessings to you today on your journey. My two cents – their sexual satisfaction drives their control.

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  4. WOW, thank you so much for sharing & I appreciate the trigger warning. I teared up not only because I can relate, but mainly because of the validation of knowing I’m not “crazy” after all these years. I too have had those dreams all my life, now writing and sharing my stories have helped tremendously. Blessings to you!

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  5. You know, when I see youngsters being verbally or physically (smacked, poked, pinched) abused in t.v. programmes, I almost want to shout at the screen. These are little kids and they don’t deserve it – look at the size of you in comparison!!! aarrgghhh!

    Thank you for sharing your journey MJ and it’s great that you’re able to verbalise – there are certain words in intimate moments that have triggered emotional outbursts in me. The childhood sexual abuse I experienced has had a huge negative impact on all my relationships, and tho’ I’ve had counselling – it just never goes away 😦

    I wish you luck in your journey my lovely – Caz x

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  6. I have to share because my silence gave them more power. Now I’ m taking it back. It also has affected my whole life. Now I’m trying to accept it as MY story and process the memories as they come. Blessings in your journey as well.

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