Here we are, at the end of the year. I was lying in bed last night thinking about all the things that have happened this year. Not only in my recovery, but with Covid, etc.
In February, I walked off the worst job I have ever had. I haven’t ever done that before, but my boss was absolutely the worst person I have ever worked for. In one way, it gave me confidence. In the past, I would have just put up with it. Thankfully, I had a new job the very next day.
The new job has turned out to be one of the best things to happen to me during my recovery from PTSD. While this job is non-stimulating and a huge financial loss, it served to slow down my pace and gave me time to focus on me.
Then came Covid. I had worked two jobs for the last 8 years. All of a sudden, I’m in a lower paying job, and my second job, at a large retail chain, is now suspended due to store closure. Here I am, with loads of free time. Feeling somewhat lost.
At the same time, in my recovery, I’m trying to tell my awful secrets to my therapist and struggling with nightmares and flashbacks. I have begun to trust Mrs. A a little more. In the beginning, teletherapy was so difficult. It is hard enough to trust your therapist in person, much less over a video chat. I still worry about her reactions to my story. I still wonder if she will get sick of me and bail out. But so far, she has just been kind, patient, and encouraging.
Then, in the middle of all this, I decided to become a mother to a young woman (MB) who never had the love of her biological mother. Even though I felt as if I was in no condition to help anyone, I had to give it my best try. I had no idea that she would love and care about me as much as I care for her. I thought it would be giving her love and helping her grow. Instead, it turns out we both have helped each other.
This year I also learned that I could draw. It was the only way I could connect to the younger me. Little MJ has so much to say, but never has been given a voice.
Also, this year, I started massage/touch therapy. Mrs. A mentioned this type of therapy about a year and a half ago and I told her that this would absolutely never happen. I’m the person who doesn’t like to be hugged. I am the person who hates people in my space. But one day, I woke up saying to myself that now is the time. I called the massage therapist and arranged my first appointment. It was probably one of the most difficult challenges of my recovery, but I did it. Since the first visit, I have gone three more times. The last session was tear free. Wow, what an accomplishment. My massage therapist is understanding of my trauma and has been so encouraging.
In 2020, I worked on sharing my secrets, healing my inner child, allowing positive touch, building relationships, learning how to draw, being more assertive, being brave, learning new coping skills, and learning to handle emotions, both negative and positive.
In 2021, I have set my personal goals much higher for myself. I want to speak and write much more. I want to continue my trauma art and making memes. I want to continue trying to share even the hardest details of my abuse with Mrs. A. I am not sure how successful I will be with that, but I am going to give it everything I have. I also plan to forgive myself more in the coming year. (I apparently am my own worst enemy.)
In conclusion, I truly thank each person on my healing team. My therapist, Mrs A; My massage therapist, DD; my mentor and life coach, TS; my angel friends; and my two beautiful children. Without this support team, I wouldn’t be alive to tell my story. Thank you 2020 for the lessons. Thank you 2021 in advance for renewed hope.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.