All of my life I’ve been moving. Literally, moving and searching for what will make me feel better about my life and about myself.
I’ve tried to help others, both financially and emotionally. I’ve tried to be a good person, with goals and aspirations. I’ve tried to find love and peace. I’ve tried to work hard and accomplish respect in the workplace.
What I have never done, is nothing. I don’t know how to stand still. I don’t know how to wait. I want to see the future now. I want to know the answers now.
The truth is that COVID-19 has stopped me in my tracks. I’ve had to just sit and be with me. I’ve had to think about life and death, and everything in between. I’ve had time to think about my past, my future, and the here and now.
I realized that in the past, even in love, I’ve tried to force others to be emotionally involved with me. I’ve chased love as if I wasn’t worthy of love myself. Even with family, I never felt good enough to be a family member. I always felt that if I just did that one more exceptional thing, that would make others love me. If only I could give a little more money, time, etc, I would be deserving of love.
One of my favorite scriptures is Psalm 46:10 – Be still and know that I am God..! No matter what your religious beliefs are, believing that there is a higher power is necessary to find peace. The truth is that we are not in control of our own universe. We are not in control of the weather, catastrophic disasters, death, Corona Virus, etc.
Standing still and being comfortable with someone else being in charge is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. And that’s where faith comes in. Faith that everything will be ok. Faith that even if you make the wrong decision, in the end everything will be ok.
The biggest thing that I’m learning in all of this, is that “this too shall pass”. While sometimes it is said off the cuff, it really does hold true.
If only I could remember what I have survived, it would make the here and now much easier. I have to remember that I am strong and resilient. I have to remember that I am able to overcome even the toughest of circumstances. I have to remember that I am able to be what I want to be and do what I want to do. That in itself is empowering.
So thank you COVID-19 for making the world slow down and causing me to be still. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.