This post is not to make fun of, or make light of the struggles of PTSD or any other mental illness. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself in order to try to like yourself.
Waking up during the night is not unusual for me. I will usually sleep an hour or two, then wide awake for a while. Sometimes, it’s the normal reasons. Sometimes, it’s reasons that don’t even make sense.
I woke up this past Thursday night feeling really uncomfortable. My pillow and pillowcase seemed to be twisted, or disheveled, or something that was not right. I rolled over, lifted my head, and looked at my pillow. For a moment, we were at war. But I realized that it was nothing but a wrinkle in my pillow case.
Yep, I told myself all kinds of lies at that moment. “My pillow hates me!”, “My face will get wrinkles if my pillowcase wrinkles!”, “Pillows were made by a man!” etc. None of which really make any sense. But at that moment, I was tired, angry, and begging for a few hours of uninterrupted sleep.
I felt crazed. I told myself, “Girl, now you have really lost it!”. I was even, at one point, talking out loud to this wrinkle.
In the morning, I’m remembering that whole scenario and thinking to myself that therapy must not be working! Of course, one doesn’t have anything to do with the other. But that’s how my PTSD works. It takes your state of hypervigilance and turns it into a joke. The only problem is, that at that moment, it’s not funny.
Now, this may not sound like progress to you, but to me, after reviewing in the morning, I realized that I had made progress during my struggle with the wrinkle.
This happened, and I didn’t hate myself. This happened, and in the morning, I was able to laugh. This happened and I eventually made peace with the pillow and went back off to sleep.
Last year, this would have probably kept me awake for days. This may have thrown me into a depression, that spiraled quickly out of control. I may have even needed to call Ms. A for an emergency therapy session just so I could ask her what is wrong with me.
I added the link to a previous post because I needed to re-read this one, and remind myself that in spite of falling, we continue to make progress.
What I learned, is that in spite of wrinkles, or sleepless nights, change is happening. I just have to stay focused on the rest, and not the wrinkle.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.