Day 144 ~ A Healthy Mad?

I’m real mad today.  But maybe it’s a healthy mad.  Is there such a thing? 

I had one of those awful, life-like nightmares.  I woke up terrified and mad.

I’m mad that this perpetrator can still haunt me after all these years.  I’m mad because no one held him accountable. I’m mad because I wasn’t the only one.  I’m mad because I’ve spent my life in fear.  I mad because I don’t know how to get him out of my head.  I’m mad because he was the last of a long list of perpetrators.  I’m mad that I didn’t beat him up, or even stab him.  I’m mad because my relationships have all suffered because of him.  I’m mad that I’m paying a therapist to hear my pain every week.  I’m mad that my health has suffered because of him.  I’m mad because he is still alive.   I’m mad because society says I need to just “move on”. 

You might be thinking that this is a wasted emotion.  You might be thinking that I should forget he exists and move on with my life.    You might even be thinking that it was so long ago, that it shouldn’t matter today.  You might think that I “like” feeling bad. 

Perhaps there are those that say I should just forgive him.  There are those that say, “But he’s such a good person”.  There are those that say he has supported them financially.  He has always been very generous. He’s been a good father.  He worked hard.  He was a military man.  He probably was hurt himself.  He probably hates what he did.

I have heard it all. I truly have.  Everyone has a suggestion or idea of how to get over it. Or why I’m not over it.  I should just pray more.  I shouldn’t be afraid of him because I’m an adult now and he can’t hurt me anymore. I should just be happy!

I’m learning, every day, how to care for myself and love who I am.  But I’m mad today.  I’m truly mad. Enough already.  No more nightmares.  No more flashbacks.  No more memories. 

I want it ALL gone.  I want freedom.  I want peace.

If I get mad at him, can I then put the blame where it lies?  If I get mad at him, can I take his power away?

If I get mad is it healthy?

You tell me! Is it?

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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