I’m real mad today. But maybe it’s a healthy mad. Is there such a thing?
I had one of those awful, life-like nightmares. I woke up terrified and mad.
I’m mad that this perpetrator can still haunt me after all these years. I’m mad because no one held him accountable. I’m mad because I wasn’t the only one. I’m mad because I’ve spent my life in fear. I mad because I don’t know how to get him out of my head. I’m mad because he was the last of a long list of perpetrators. I’m mad that I didn’t beat him up, or even stab him. I’m mad because my relationships have all suffered because of him. I’m mad that I’m paying a therapist to hear my pain every week. I’m mad that my health has suffered because of him. I’m mad because he is still alive. I’m mad because society says I need to just “move on”.
You might be thinking that this is a wasted emotion. You might be thinking that I should forget he exists and move on with my life. You might even be thinking that it was so long ago, that it shouldn’t matter today. You might think that I “like” feeling bad.
Perhaps there are those that say I should just forgive him. There are those that say, “But he’s such a good person”. There are those that say he has supported them financially. He has always been very generous. He’s been a good father. He worked hard. He was a military man. He probably was hurt himself. He probably hates what he did.
I have heard it all. I truly have. Everyone has a suggestion or idea of how to get over it. Or why I’m not over it. I should just pray more. I shouldn’t be afraid of him because I’m an adult now and he can’t hurt me anymore. I should just be happy!
I’m learning, every day, how to care for myself and love who I am. But I’m mad today. I’m truly mad. Enough already. No more nightmares. No more flashbacks. No more memories.
I want it ALL gone. I want freedom. I want peace.
If I get mad at him, can I then put the blame where it lies? If I get mad at him, can I take his power away?
If I get mad is it healthy?
You tell me! Is it?
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.