On Saturday I had to go to the emergency room. I had an awful sore throat. My tongue was even starting to swell. I could barely swallow.
In walks an older doctor with white hair. Maybe Russian or Polish. He needs to look in my throat. Not a problem. This is a routine procedure.
What I didn’t expect was a full force flashback. Because my throat was so swollen, he just kept pushing in the tongue depressor and saying, “wider, wider”. I was gagging to say the least.
I don’t think that most of the medical community is trauma or PTSD informed. I’m sure that it never crossed his mind that I might have been sexually abused as a child. I’m sure that he never thought that maybe I couldn’t handle him saying “wider, wider” with a forceful voice. I’m sure he never thought that a 55 year old woman could be re-traumatized by a stick.
He begins telling me how swollen my uvula is, etc. but I can’t focus on what he is saying. Tears are coming down and I’m trying not to be a baby.
Needless to say, my self-talk is not good. I’m embarrassed although no one knows that the tears aren’t from gagging.
This has never been a problem before and maybe never will be again. I just wish God would send me a preparation warning before something turns my day upside down.
I had to remind myself how far I’ve come and where I want to be.
Until next time – I am being MJ every time.