Day 140 – Starting Over – AGAIN

I recently posted in December about my job loss and my new position that I was blessed with 24 hours later. My boss there was so difficult. Each day, I had to force myself to go in there. I had to force myself not to cry or scream, or just flip out.

But last week, I couldn’t take it anymore. I sent an email to the VP (her boss) and the Human Resources Director. I let them know that I just couldn’t take her yelling, cursing, and abusive behavior. I also let them know that I had never before quit a job, but this time, I felt I had to.

As soon as I sent the email, I gathered my things. I went to hand her (the evil boss) her paperwork and she turned her head around and would not even look at me. I guess she must have figured I was leaving?

Anyway, a bit later, her boss and the Human Resources Director both called me and asked me what happened. I told them that basically I was standing up for those who wouldn’t speak up. (this was not her first time causing someone to quit.

As I’m laying there that night, thinking about my choices, and whether or not I did the right thing, I felt a little panicked. Was this a good choice? Will this be hard for me to find another job?

As I’m thinking about all of this, I realized that I did not tell them about her sexual, and inappropriate conversations. Those have triggered me on numerous occasions, but I wasn’t brave enough to say anything. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to bring it up since all of my past two years, have been focused on healing from sexual trauma.

But in the morning, I decided to brave it. I sent them an email telling them of a specific conversation she had with a young male employee. I was detailed and quoted her. In the email, I explained to them that I am a speaker, writer and advocate for sexual violence and that I felt I needed to speak up.

Did I really do that? Did I speak up? Was that me? I have never been a voice in the workplace. I just usually let everything go because I’m not brave enough to stir up any type of problems with people I work with. But I did. That was me!

The next morning I was blessed with another new job. I can’t believe it happened again. Less than 24 hours later, I have a new job.

That evening, I went to see Ms. A for an unplanned visit. This whole thing has brought up a new round of nightmares. PTSD is so unplanned and unscheduled. Amazing how it can interrupt your life with no notice. Anyway, I was telling her the events of the week, and she said “I’m so proud of you”. After some very tough conversation about long car rides, and being abused in the car, it was time for me to go. I was crying and dreading going home. As I stand to leave, she gives me a hug and says very quietly, “You found your voice!”

I ran out the door, and jumped in my car. I sat there just trying to process those words. How I wish I had found my voice years ago. How I wish I had screamed from the rooftops the very first time it happened. The silence has had me bound all these years.

To continue sharing my story is the hardest thing ever. But I’m pushing. I don’t want to stop until all of the ugly is out! I have barely tapped into the specific details of the abuse, but I plan to say it all! I don’t know how or when, but I can only hope that it’s sooner than later.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day!

3 thoughts on “Day 140 – Starting Over – AGAIN

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