All of my adult life, I have avoided anything painful or emotional. If I knew a situation was going to be stressful, I just didn’t do it. Many times, I avoided something without even intentionally knowing that I was doing it.
Tonight I went into therapy thinking that I would avoid a re-occurrence of last week’s tears and anger session. I absolutely hated feeling angry. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself. I was afraid Ms. A would see me as a mean, or angry person, and be disappointed in me.
I went in talking about random things and avoiding each question that seemed to evoke an emotion. Most of the time, I can’t even identify what I’m feeling anyway. It’s part of wearing the mask that keeps you from being a “real” person.
So, I’m avoiding a particular question, but she keeps coming back to it. I finally snapped at her. “Look, I came here tonight promising myself I would not cry or get angry”. I explained to her that I absolutely hated myself last week for the way I acted.
She, of course, presses me to not run from the feelings but talk about them.
Immediately, I feel like a failure. It’s like I just can’t get this therapy thing right. I want to walk in and have sunshine and roses land in my lap. I want to walk in and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am ok, and that I’m a good person, and that I am “cured” of this thing called Trauma and PTSD.
I guess that, in itself, sets me up for failure. Instead of me knowing it’s going to be hard and prepping for the battle, I just pretend it’s not going to happen, because I can avoid it.
Thru the next couple days following therapy, I feel guilty and ashamed. Then towards the end of the week, I start to get my courage up for the next session. I start to believe that I can conquer this thing. I start to believe that I can trust God and myself. But as soon as I walk in the door of her office, I freeze. I avoid. I abandon my own thoughts. I forget my faith altogether. I forget to breathe.
I walked thru the grocery store after my session with tears rolling down my face. No one inquired. Probably a good thing because I’m sure I would have avoided the truth as well.
As I lay my head down tonight, to try and get a few hours of sleep, I’ll try to forgive myself. I’ll try to shut down my over thinking brain. I’ll try to ignore that broken hearted feeling in my chest. I’ll ask God one more time to help me get thru another day.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.