Day 137 – This Time I Really Heard It.

Last night I had a session with Ms. A. We opted for a phone session rather than pistpone because her office was closed for the MLK holiday.

We spent a bit of time talking about touch, hugging, etc. I really struggled with a full-on hug because of being held against my will as a child. Also, I struggle with my face or view being covered.

In my childhood, hugs were not given as a positive loving thing. And I always equated hugs with negative things.

So at the end of our conversation, Ms. A said this. “You can’t see my face right now and it’s probably a good thing because I’ve been smiling this whole conversation.” I said, “Huh? What do you mean? “. And she said, “I’m SOOO proud of you”. I cried and said, “No one has ever said that before!”

The truth is that in the past few years, quite a few people have said that to me. But I never heard them.

What I heard was, “You did ok, but you still have so much to do”. I was so busy hating myself that I couldn’t hear the positive. I could only hear my self crticism.

How can I move forward if I don’t hear the positive? How can I heal if I only think of myself as a bad or incomplete person?

I’m working hard to move forward and really like myself. It’s hard. But I have so much positive support. I just have to hear it and believe it.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

One thought on “Day 137 – This Time I Really Heard It.

  1. It always saddens me how much self hatred get laid down inside of us so that we struggle to take in or believe anything good. But you are recognising it and I am in a similar space. I relate to touch being used in a negative way. I hope in time you can celebrate how amazing you are for dealing with your trauma and trying your very best to reverse those painful entrenched patterns. It just takes time. A lot of time and positive corrective experiences.

    Liked by 1 person

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