Last night I had a session with Ms. A. We opted for a phone session rather than pistpone because her office was closed for the MLK holiday.
We spent a bit of time talking about touch, hugging, etc. I really struggled with a full-on hug because of being held against my will as a child. Also, I struggle with my face or view being covered.
In my childhood, hugs were not given as a positive loving thing. And I always equated hugs with negative things.
So at the end of our conversation, Ms. A said this. “You can’t see my face right now and it’s probably a good thing because I’ve been smiling this whole conversation.” I said, “Huh? What do you mean? “. And she said, “I’m SOOO proud of you”. I cried and said, “No one has ever said that before!”
The truth is that in the past few years, quite a few people have said that to me. But I never heard them.
What I heard was, “You did ok, but you still have so much to do”. I was so busy hating myself that I couldn’t hear the positive. I could only hear my self crticism.
How can I move forward if I don’t hear the positive? How can I heal if I only think of myself as a bad or incomplete person?
I’m working hard to move forward and really like myself. It’s hard. But I have so much positive support. I just have to hear it and believe it.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.