I had a phone conversation with Mrs. A yesterday. She always knows what to say to motivate me to continue healing.
I was explaining to her that I continually see the face of that little girl as she being sexually abused. No emotions. No sounds. No expressions. Just letting it happen.
My Mother said I must have liked it, or else I would have told.
I told Mrs. A that I just wanted to walk over to that girl and slap some sense into her.
And then Mrs. A said to me that I spend a lot of time fighting myself, when there are so many other things that I could be doing.
Wow. What a revelation. I do it all the time. I am constantly trying to prove myself bad. I need to prove that I’m right about myself. There’s no way I could believe a lie all these years.
It’s time to take the gloves off. It’s time to give that girl a break. It’s time to figure out who and what I really am.
I don’t tell my story for sympathy from others. I tell it because one day I want to believe that I have a purpose. If I continue to fight myself, the abusers win. But if I stand up tall, tell my story, and love me, then I win.
It’s a choice I have to make and it’s hard.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.