Day 134 – Who Am I?

I haven’t blogged much this month. Twice only.

The week before Thanksgiving, I lost my job after 8 years of hard work. I based my whole self esteem on who I was and how I performed on the job.

I enjoyed working. I enjoyed my employees and co-workers.

My company started struggling at the beginning of the year, as they made some awful business decisions and the company basically was nose-diving.

I sort of knew the lay off was coming but I had no idea it would be during the holidays.

There I was, void of my biggest source of self esteem. Since I was going on two years of PTSD, it was the one place that I felt stable.

Now, I walk out the door, not knowing how or where to go next.

I was very blessed that I did, infact, get a new job immediately. It is a huge cut in pay, so financially, it’s going to be tough at best.

But, to complicate matters, my new boss has a whole host of mental health issues and uses her employees to vent her frustrations. She screams, yells and curses regularly.

Every day I have to force myself to go in and take what she is dishing out. She can also be very passive aggressive with looks or sighs.

I’m in a new industry that I know nothing about. So my first 13 days have been so confusing and frustrating. I’ve even questioned my ability to learn anything new. Her teaching has been all over the place. She is super frustrated with me and my errors. Her frustration causes me to fear and question my own intelligence.

I’m continuing to search for a new job, but financially, I can’t just walk out and look for something else.

At 55 I wanted to have my own home. I wanted to travel and see new things. I wanted to have a relationship and give and receive love.

But what I have is very short of those things. I’m back to working two jobs, which i have done for the past 8 years. I took a few months off in the summer because I was emotionally exhausted and phyically falling apart.

I’m struggling to not give up. I’m struggling to even like myself. I’m trying so hard to take it one day at a time.

I also lost my health insurance so I’ll have to sacrifice some of my healthcare, including some therapy sessions.

I’m not saying all this to get sympathy. I know there are others much worse off than myself. But don’t I deserve a break? Don’t I deserve a life outside of work?

Who am I if I can’t enjoy my life in my later years? Doesn’t life ever get any easier?

As a final note, the holidays have brought up more memories and nightmares. I’ve had to do a lot of numbing to get thru a day. Unfortunately, I can’t even look forward to bedtime.

I’m up to my chin in rough waters. One big wave and I’ll drown. Dog paddling thru life is exhausting. I’m looking for a life raft or surfboard, or any other floatation device.

God give me strength for one more day.

Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.

3 thoughts on “Day 134 – Who Am I?

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