Day 133 – It’s all a Game

One of the things that perpetrators do is play mind games. And the do it very well. Not only with the victim but also the family members and friends.

They are very good at presenting theirselves as loving, caring and giving people.

They can abuse be violent or abusive and 10 minutes later change to their angel halo.

They also typically use money or power to convince others of their goodwill and kindness.

One of my abusers would sexually abuse me and then tell my parents that I said or did something naughty so that I would be in trouble as soon as I returned home. One particular time, he told my parents that I had hid his cigarettes and didn’t know my place as a child. I was in so much trouble. The truth was that he had taken me out to his mother’s very large property and sexually abused me there for hours before bringing me home. Why was he so believable? How did he get so good at convincing others?

And then 4 or 5 days later, he would tell me what a beautiful, sweet girl I was. And it would really fxxx with my mind.

I always hated myself. Always. Even now, I have a hard time believing that I’m a good person. All of these old messages play in my mind. Like a broken record.

I’m a good person. I’m a bad person. I am pretty. I am ugly. I’m so childish. I’m so mature.

Mixed messages was the way he kept his power. I could never trust myself with anything.

Then there’s the whole grooming aspect. They typically spend a period of time winning your trust and testing your lack of confidence before even making a move.

Once they know how weak or trapped you are in a crappy home life, they move in. Just a simple test first. But once they know you are not able to fight emotionally, they can’t stop theirselves. You become the abusers property.

Of course there is the other type of psychos who abuse younger children without even a thought. That happened to me also.

And that’s a loss of security that sets you up for future abusers. When it happens so young, you think it’s part of who you are. You think it’s an obligation. You never question future experiences, because you are already worthless.

The hardest part of recovery is reversing those instinctive messages that are like reflexes. No one has to tell you you are bad because you beat yourself up daily.

Forgiving the abuser is not half as hard as forgiving yourself.

Living with PTSD as an adult survivor of sexual abuse is race that has no end. You never get to the finish line. You frequently faint or fall on the first hurdle and have to start all over again.

I’m sorry MJ that you have believed the lies that were told to you by these monsters.

The only consolation is the belief that someday the perpetrator’s games will have a retribution. And it won’t be a “well done” award.

When the games are finally over, I WIN!!

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

4 thoughts on “Day 133 – It’s all a Game

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