The last three weeks have been such a challenge.
I had a major asthma attack and as I’m recovering, I was laid off of my job of 8 years.
The weird thing is, that I’m really calm in crazy, chaotic times. It’s like home to me. It’s like I don’t have to wait for the bomb to drop because it is here now.
When things are calm and quiet in my life, I live in fear. There is a certain anxiety I have with peace. I’m afraid to trust the calm. It doesn’t ever seem to last for long.
The other thing that happened is that the nightmares were temporarily suspended. It’s like God knew that I was going thru enough already so he stopped the scarey movies that play in my room every night.
As I’m in this calm state, I didn’t feel the desperation to discuss things with my therapist. I went into this self-protection mode and cut off feelings, as I seem to be able to do so easily.
But last week as we are in a session, I tell her that I feel like if I can just discuss this one abuser, I can get thru anything. He truly has me bound in a lot of ways. He is the one who played the most psychological games with my mind. That’s the part that I can’t seem to get past.
Anyway, as I’m driving home, from that session, I had something like a vision. And this is what I saw. (It literally played like a movie in my mind.)
I was taking a bite of rotten food and immediately knew it would make me sick because of the foul taste. I immediately spit it out, and continue to cough and choke on it because if it goes down my throat I will be very ill.
And the analogy hit me. I have all these poisonous memories down inside of me and I literally need to spit them out. I have to purge these awful memories if I ever want to be whole.
And I plan to do just that. PTSD will not take the best of me. It will not destroy my life.
I’m grateful that I have the chance to have a second life. Free of poison. And free of being bound by these evil people.
I’m ready to SPIT IT OUT!
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.