Trigger warning – I don’t typically start with a warning because every page of my blog could be triggering. But this one may be a little more graphic and detailed than normal.
My family lived in a group of homes on two different streets, back to back. 5 houses in all. They wanted to be close I guess.
So one of the houses was my grandmother’s house who was the family matriarch. Everything revolved around her and took place in her house.
Everyone would bring their food and we would gather there from sun up to sun down. Even though it was centered around her home, the grandkids would always roam from house to house visiting one another, or playing, etc.
Next door to my grandmother’s house was my Aunt’s house. My mother’s sister. I practically lived there. She had two girls. One older and one younger than myself. We were best friends.
When I first started staying there, I was about 8 years old. My aunt was single and we were very close.
When I was about 11, the girls’ father started coming back around and the two eventually remarried.
Things changed a lot when it wasn’t just us girls anymore. He became like a father to me instantly. Or so I thought. My aunt no longer spent all of her time with just us girls.
When I was 12, One day, during the summer, us kids were running back and forth between the homes. I stopped inside to get a drink. I was hot from playing outside.
I went in and my uncle asks me to come over to a corner of the living room where they had a box with very small kittens in it.
As im kneeling down, looking in the box, he comes up behind me and stands really close. I stood up immediately. Not sure what was happening. But as I stand, he lifts my hair gently and starts kissing the back of my neck. I froze. And then ran.
I didn’t tell anyone because my parents always hated him. They never talked directly to him or had anything to do with him. I was so afraid that my step-dad would kill him.
From that day forward, I was trapped under his power. I couldn’t stop going over there because everyone would know that something was wrong. And my cousins were still my best friends.
So I let him do things to me. I let him make me do things to him. I never fought him. I never said no. These are decisions that I will live with the rest of my life.
I never felt any pleasure or pain. For the most part I was so disassociated that I felt nothing. Physically or emotionally.
Once I returned home, the physical pain would kick in and I would cry silently alone in my bed. I couldnt tell anyone that my vagina was sore or that I had a bladder infection. I just dealt with it.
Sometimes I would drink some of my Mother’s wine because it numbed the pain. It also helped me forget the emotional pain. Usually, I would drink it on my way to school so that no one would know I was intoxicated.
But every holiday, he would make sure I knew that I had to come next door to his house and spend time with him. No one ever questioned us disappearing. After all, he was like a father to me. He would never try to harm me.
But never mind the fact that he already abused two family members before me. Which apparently he was excused for. All the adults knew about it. I guess they forgot to share it with me.
Holidays weren’t the only time he abused me but those are the times that I felt the most abandoned. In some ways, I felt like the sacrifice for the other children. I saved them from being sexually abused by this monster. It was the only good that I could make of it.
So many people around and NO ONE missed me.
This is the one abuser that messes with my mind more than any other. He groomed me. He manipulated me. He brain washed me. He used my emotions to get his thrills.
I hate him. I really do. He still lives in a city near me and I can’t wait until he dies. Only then will I feel like justice has been served.
In my last session with Mrs. A, I told her that this is the one abuse and abuser that I must conquer. If I can take my power back from him, I can do anything.
Honestly, I’m terrified of reliving the abuse. On the other hand, I must tell someone. I can’t keep this secret any longer?
The question is, can I survive the emotions that I worked so hard to ignore?
Until next time, I am being MJ everyday.