Today I went to therapy and knew exactly what I wanted to talk about. That in itself is rare.
We started out with our usual “what’s new” conversation and we sort of moved on to talking about the holidays.
As soon as she brought up Thanksgiving, I felt blindsided. I was not prepared to talk about that.
Why does it matter? Because I dread the holidays. The Holidays remind me that my family is disjointed, my Mom has passed, and a lot of abuse happened on the holidays during family get togethers. There was also drinking and getting high. There was anger and disagreements. But there was also large get togethers and lots of food and laughter and the family being all together in one place. All of that is gone now.
As I struggle to listen to Mrs. A talk about about making new memories etc, I’ve already shut down. She asks me what I’m thinking and I tell her that I just want to leave.
I’m better with avoidance than I am with feelings. So she’s talking and I’m hearing. But disassociated. I’m not even in the room emotionally. The tears falling are involuntary. I’m angry that once again I’m shedding tears over my past.
It is grief, anger and sadness. It is the memories and flasbacks.
In the past recent years, I have spent time with special friends and their family. They have always treated me as family. I have gone and enjoyed a meal and laughs and it’s always a great time.
But it’s hard to forget your own family. It’s hard to forget what never will be again.
I’m so conflicted between hating the past and missing parts of it. I beat myself up for missing it at all. Who in their right mind would miss it?
So long story short, I left the session feeling like such a waste of my time and hers.
I guess those things that cause me to shut down are the things that I still need to address.
When will I ever be okay with feelings and emotions? When will I be able to look at the past and feel as if I have conquered the demons?
Stay tuned for Holi-daze Part II ~
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.