On my post Day 126, I shared about the coins I was given by first abuser.
But a few days ago, I started have a new flashback. Over and over. I closed my eyes tightly to try and push it away.
What I remembered was that after he placed those coins in my palm, he closed my hand and covered it tightly with his hand.
No words were spoken. No eye contact. But I knew that I should never ever speak of this day or those coins.
The flashback is of his very large rough hand, covering my tiny little hand, and the image of the contrast of how big and how small.
Today, I had to share it with Mrs A. I had to tell her that this would not leave my mind. I had to tell her why I never told.
She said to me that this probably was not the first time that I needed comfort but couldn’t ask for it.
Wait. What? I was 5. Of course I could tell my Mother. Or could I?
The truth is that she was never emotionally available. She was never able to give me sympathy or compassion. Her own pain kept her from knowing how to give love. In her own life she was never nurtured by her mother. In her own life, she had to soothe herself.
And that was passed on to me. Anytime I had sadness, grief or anger, it was “part of life”. “Suck it up and move on” was always the non-verbal message.
And I did that. Professional emotional control at 5. I knew I could only cry silently in my bed at night. I knew that any emotions I had were selfish and childish.
Acting like a child was never an option.
To this day, I have my hand wrapped tightly around those coins because they are my secret. They are my losses. Those coins represent the innocence I lost that day.
I want to forget his hand, the roughness and image of the threat. And, It was a threat. Pedophiles know all of the non-verbal messages to give a child to ensure their own safety. They know how to intimidate a child with just a look. They know how to steal a child’s soul so that they will never trust again. A pedophile knows how to end a life without ever committing murder.
He took my soul, my trust and my safety, simply by curling his big hand around mine.
One day, Mr. Pedophile, you will meet the ultimate power and you will lose. You probably shouldn’t have betrayed one of God’s little ones. There is a price to pay. I don’t feel sad for your loss, because you definitly did not care about mine.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.