Day 121 – No Comment

Last week I was sharing with Mrs. A about a particular guy I dated. She then wanted to talk about other relationships that I had been in.

She already knew I had two failed marriages. Then I told her about three boyfriends I had that weren’t my best decisions.

The whole time, I’m sort of laughing at how stupid I am and I should have known, etc.

As the session is ending, I’m sort of overwhelmed. In her usual therapeutic way she says, “How are you feeling right now?” I responded with the following two sentences – “Like shxx”, “My life has been such an fuxxing disaster”.

Then what she said in response sent me into a tail spin. So what she said is this – absolutely nothing.

I wanted and needed her encouragement and I got nothing. She handed me a paper with a homework assignment and we stood up and walked out.

I hated myself more at that moment than I ever had in my life.

I got in my car and sent Mrs. A an email. What she responded is that since I have never shown anger, she wanted me to sit with it and figure out what to do with it.

It felt as if she had abandoned me at the worst time. There was no pep talk. No advice. Nothing. All I could think was that she was over me and my issues and couldn’t wait for me to leave.

It is so hard to trust myself with her. I spend a good portion of our sessions trying to figure out what she is thinking. When I’m the only one expressing emotions, it’s scarey. And it really makes me feel like a child. Like I’m out of control or behaving badly.

After a few hours, I was able to pull myself together enough to understand where she was coming from. She would never do anything to hurt or harm me. Now I just have to believe it.

Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.

5 thoughts on “Day 121 – No Comment

  1. First of all if you suffer extreme childhood emotional neglect its only natural you would have chosen shit partners, please stop blaming yourself. One sign of CEN is blaming yourself for bad decisions you made out of a painful history THAT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. Second she should not have let you put yourself down without countering that, that was a kind of abandonment on her behalf, so if you were upset that is valid too. Trust your gut and true feelings and just realised that you will probably always beat yourself up to some degree for things so far outside of your conscious control at that time until you are a very long way down the road in doing the inner work on childhood abuse trauma and neglect. Hugs and love ❤

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  2. We have talked about it and both of us shared our thoughts on that session. So in a way it caused me to be very open and honest with her. And I did tell her I did not feel supported. That was a first for me also. So it wasn’t a great situation, I did learn from it and I believe that she did also. Thanks for supporting me. 💜

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  3. It’s too bad that she didn’t tell you at the end of session that’s the approach she was taking. That’s great that you reached out and let her know how you were feeling about it.

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