Last week I was sharing with Mrs. A about a particular guy I dated. She then wanted to talk about other relationships that I had been in.
She already knew I had two failed marriages. Then I told her about three boyfriends I had that weren’t my best decisions.
The whole time, I’m sort of laughing at how stupid I am and I should have known, etc.
As the session is ending, I’m sort of overwhelmed. In her usual therapeutic way she says, “How are you feeling right now?” I responded with the following two sentences – “Like shxx”, “My life has been such an fuxxing disaster”.
Then what she said in response sent me into a tail spin. So what she said is this – absolutely nothing.
I wanted and needed her encouragement and I got nothing. She handed me a paper with a homework assignment and we stood up and walked out.
I hated myself more at that moment than I ever had in my life.
I got in my car and sent Mrs. A an email. What she responded is that since I have never shown anger, she wanted me to sit with it and figure out what to do with it.
It felt as if she had abandoned me at the worst time. There was no pep talk. No advice. Nothing. All I could think was that she was over me and my issues and couldn’t wait for me to leave.
It is so hard to trust myself with her. I spend a good portion of our sessions trying to figure out what she is thinking. When I’m the only one expressing emotions, it’s scarey. And it really makes me feel like a child. Like I’m out of control or behaving badly.
After a few hours, I was able to pull myself together enough to understand where she was coming from. She would never do anything to hurt or harm me. Now I just have to believe it.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.