Day 120 – Should I?

As I mentioned before, I frequently participate in a internet radio show for adult survivors of child abuse. Last night someone mentioned that she has to comfort that little girl when she is triggered by something or having a memory that is painful.

It really hit home because, I actually get really embarrassed by a trigger or feeling child-like.

I am 54 now and I fight that inner child because I should be behaving like an adult. I shouldn’t have to tell myself that it’s all going to be ok.

When I go to therapy, it almost always feels like my 5 year old walks thru the door. I immediately feel powerless and uneducated.

Mrs. A does everything possible to give me my voice and make me feel powerful. And still, I have times where I can’t speak.

Of course, she tells me to be patient with myself, and that I’m really doing so much better, etc.

I typically leave her office with a dissappoinment in myself for not saying this or that.

Back to the radio show, as the panel is having this discussion about comforting their inner child, I made the comment that I spend a lot of time quieting that little girl and maybe I should be embracing her and maybe thats the part I’m missing in this recovery journey.

The host spoke up and said, “Let’s remove “should” from our healing vocabulary. He says we are where we are in our healing and because something works for one person doesn’t mean we “should” do it also. Or it doesn’t mean that we should be at the same stage in the healing process.

Wow. How many times do I say that I should be in a different place. Instead of working on healing where I’m at, I’m always trying to go to a more advanced place. As if there is such a thing.

So for today, I’m going to be grateful for where I’m at and the progress I’ve made and just try to accept me.

Is it ok to stop saying should I? Just for today?

Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.

One thought on “Day 120 – Should I?

  1. Just for every day forget the word “should.” Accept who you are today, and work to improve that person. I was 45 when I started my healing process, and yes it takes a while. It’s an unlearning process as much as a learning process. When we are abused as children we are taught a lot of untruths about who we are, that we need to unlearn while learning the truth, that we are good people and we are loved. Hang in there you are not alone.


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