Day 118 – I was watching a 5 Year Old.

So I’ve been babysitting the last few weeks and it’s been fun.

One of the girls is 5 years old. Tonight I really watched her.

I watched her laugh. I watched her get angry. I watched her eat. I watched how she watched TV. I watched her play with a dog. I watched her twirl around in her dress.

And then it hit me. This is how a 5 year old should act. This how a child with no trauma in her life behaves.

This is what I was suppossed to be. It was sad. And enlightening at the same time.

She seemed so innocent and pure and happy.

I was thinking that this child would not know what to do if a traumatic situation happened. Everyone has protected her. She’s been hidden from evil. And so I had no choice but to feel sorry for 5 year old me. I had no choice but to wonder if I was ever that safe and happy.

It was sad and I was grateful for her at the same time. We were watching a movie together and her little hand held mine. At one point she jumped up in my lap and put my hands around her as if to say, “hold on to me”. I try to take in some of her joy and peace.

Since God is constantly putting me in healing situations in this journey, I was not surprised that 100 emotions were swirling around in my mind and in my heart.

When she said good-night, I watched her tiny body walk away. Carefree and giggly.

Thank you God and this little girl for helping me see what I was suppossed to be. I’m sorry little me, you did the best you could. It’s not your fault.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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