Father’s Day weekend. I dread it every year.
I haven’t shared much about my bio-father. Sometimes I forget I had one. Other days I miss him as if we were best friends.
June 15th is his birthday. But almost always Father’s Day weekend as well.
My parents divorced when I was 5 years old. It was a horrible transition. We went back snd forth with custody changes. When I was with my father, I wanted to be with my mother and vice versa.
One of my first memories of him is fighting with my mother and turning over a table. It never left my memory.
I don’t know the whole story of their divorce but both remarried pretty quickly.
Bio-dad married a woman with three children. Complicating my already lost emotions of having four new siblings with my step dad. Now I have 11 other siblings and I’m the youngest.
Bio-Dad had us with him in South Carolina for a few summers after the divorce. My step-mother was also mentally ill and had serious bouts of craziness. They argued all the time.
Step-Dad had returned from war to find his then wife with another man. Not only did he have PTSD but he was angry and bitter.
Now I have two fathers. Both are alcoholic. Both are mean and angry. At 5, how do I make sense of this? Are all men asses? Are all men abusive?
In the middle of all this, I was sexually assaulted by a complete stranger in a violent way. Who do I tell? Both Moms are nutty and self-absorbed. I just know that I can’t tell anyone or they will NEVER love me.
In the past 20 years I have had three men in my life who I consider my brothers. They are not only spiritual fathers but outstanding fathers to their own children. Thank God for Dennis, Mike and Doug. They have loved me and listened to me. Recognized me and treated me as family.
And then there is my son. He is such an outstanding father. He loves his baby girl like no one else in this world. As she is becoming a young woman, he handles all those awkward moments with great strength and love.
Today, I’m trying not to cry. I’m trying not to grieve for what I didn’t have. If I cry, I’ll be in trouble. If I cry, I will never stop. If I cry, my heart will break in two.
So for today, I’m putting on my Father’s Day face. I can only dream about what it would be like to have Father time.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.