Day 114 – In between Life and Death.

Telling the story on my blog last night was hugely triggering. I was up all night. My stomach hurt so bad.

I went to see Mrs. A today, and I was already crying before I even went in.

Sharing details of the abuse causes a sadness that I can’t explain. Everytime I share a detail, I feel the same feelings, body sensations, etc. I get scared and frozen. I get so tense that my muscles hurt when I leave therapy.

Today I told her that I can’t do this any more. It feels like im stuck between life and death. I told her if I fail at this attempt to tell my story, I just want to die.

Living with the secrets, nightmares, flashbacks, etc is not how I want to live.

She asked me which do I choose. I told her that I choose to tell. She said she was glad because not only would it be hard for my son and granddaughter, but she’s not sure if she could handle it since she’s never lost a client like that. I actually laughed a little and said,”you’re a therapist, you would be fine”.

I have often wondered what motivates her to be so kind and caring. She never gets offended when I question her on her motives.

She said she understands that this is a process. I spent 30+ years hiding it and she says it can’t come out in one day.

The little bit that I have shared with her feels like touching a hot stove. I tell a little and jerk myself way back so that I can stop the pain. Then I don’t want to start over because I know by now the side effects of each memory.

Like having a migraine, I can’t stand the noise in my head. I can’t see a bright light. I feel sick to my stomach. I just want to shut down. Go in a dark room and stop the pain.

Somehow, I keep going back. Somehow, I keep telling one more part of the story.

Today, I have struggled because of what I shared on the blog last night. I cried and felt like I was having a heart attack from the stress.

But I got up, went to work, and pushed thru.

I do choose to live but it’s a hard decision to make. It comes with the feeling of not being able to go forward or backward.

Should I tell or quit telling? Should I live or die?

God, keep me moving forward just one more day.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

3 thoughts on “Day 114 – In between Life and Death.

  1. Please please keep telling your story and I know its hard but we do have to reexperience the associated feelings in order to heal. The wider society will not validate this though as everything these days is geared around denial. Peter Levine talks extensively on pendulating into traumatic experiences you need to feel very safe and anchored before you can dive deeper. And that is why therapy takes a very long time. It takes time to build that foundation of trust. I understand everything in you want to run and shut down I literally feel I am burning up when my head injury trauma activates but it does pass in time. And yes I get like I don’t want to go to therapy some days because so much is so close to the surface but I usually feel better and sleep better after it.

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