They saw him. He put his hand under my shirt and rubbed my back constantly. We would sit under a blanket and watch TV. His hands would be touching me and rubbing me like no one was in the room. The family never said a thing. They never thought it was odd. I’m 12 years old and he’s 36. Is this normal? His wife and children are sitting and laughing and talking like a normal family.
I’m shaking in fear. My heart is pounding because I feel like I’m being bad. I know if someone realizes what is happening, I’m going to be punished.
He’s calm and cool. Not a bit of fear. He’s pretending to be “fatherly”.
I know if I try to move it will raise suspicion. I dissociate to survive.
I can’t hear the TV. I can’t hear the conversation. I’m holding my breath so that I don’t cry.
When the family time is over, I have to bathe or shower. I feel disgusting. I feel dirty. I feel like I might die from all the stress. Maybe have a heart attack.
When’s it’s bedtime, I try to avoid his stares. I try to avoid him kissing me goodnight. I tried to avoid being so ashamed.
But TV time was just the prelude to bedtime. It’s the beginning of being under his spell for long hours of time.
I want it to be known. But then again I don’t. I’m 12. I’m too young to be known for sexual activity. I’m too young to realize that his actions were not my fault.
I’m to young to have an undercover perpetrator right out in the open.
Can someone please recognize the look on my face? Do you see the fear and shame in my eyes?
Someone fight this monster for me. I’m too little and too scared.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.