I’ve been absent for the last two weeks because I’ve been going over some really terrible memories with Mrs. A. It’s been really hard and really sad. It’s not like a depresssed sad but it feels more like grief. Like I lost someone and that someone was myself.
I never got to be a child. I was traumatized and assaulted at 5 years old. There was no way to return to innocence. There was no way to unlearn what male genitals looked like. There was no way to forget the fear. The fear became permanent. The mental anguish never went away. The trust never came back.
I couldn’t unlearn that I was a horrible person and that I was on the earth for the sole purpose of being abused. I couldn’t unlearn that I was not worthy of anyone’s love.
When I talk about these things now with Mrs. A, it almost feels like it was yesterday. I spent so many years pretending that these things were part of someone else’s story and not mine.
I think I have just become emotionally stable enough to finally start talking about them. And I say that with reservation because I stil don’t feel stable most days.
I guess if I look at it realistically and intellectually, I would know that this is an improvement over the years of silence.
But the pain sometimes make me wish I could just die. It’s so much worse than any physical pain i’ve ever had. It’s a pain that you can’t take a pill to fix. The truth is that I spent so many years in denial and numbing. Now to feel even a little bit of emotion feels so painful.
It feels almost like being trapped. Like it’s too late to go back to numb. I’m too far in now to be the old me.
I feel stuck in the middle of healing and dying.
I want to learn how to trust. I want to learn how to sleep peacefully. I want to learn how to ease the pain.
But first I have to learn how to share the devestating sexual events that shaped my life and love myself at the same time.
I just don’t feel like it’s possible to unlearn the shame. Or is it?
I’m trying to take it one day at a time. One memory at a time. One deep breath at a time. But it’s sad and painful.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.