Day 110 – The Luxury of Being Human

I have trouble grounding myself on long weekends.

I’m much better without free time. Free time gives you space to think. Free time allows memories. Free time opens your mind to possibilities.

I feel like I have to have every minute of my life planned out. The Number one reason is that it seems to block out the unexpected. In a way, I set myself up for failure. It is inevitable that something unexpected is going to happen. And then I’m twice as shocked because I worked so hard at controlling everything.

When you grow up having no control of even the simplest things, the minute you get to be an adult you grab every thing you can and hold on tight.

When I was being abused, the only thing I could control was eating. I didn’t realize it then, but it made me proud that I didn’t need to eat. And people would always tell me how cute and tiny I was.

Looking back, I probably would have been better off not to be cute and tiny.

I have had a life long love hate relationship with food. Eating cause guilt. Guilt makes me not want to eat. Not eating causes starving. Then I have to eat. Then more guilt.

What sucks is that is used to be the one thing I could control and now I’m not strong enough to be anorexic.

The other reason I hate idle time is because I get sleepy. The endless insomnia catches up with me when I slow down. I hate feeling tired. I hate not having control of sleep either. It’s like eating, eventually you have to do it.

Being in bed always reminds me of different negative experiences.

Why do I torture myself by worrying about things that are necessary to live and be healthy.

I don’t think normal people try as hard as I do to keep a grip on controlling their own life.

The weird thing is that I’m ok with other people being out of control. Because other people are human.

Why do I not allow myself the luxury of being human?

Because I can’t be trusted? Because I allowed awful things to happen to me? Because I trusted the people who said they loved me?

I don’t know.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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