Today is one of my abusers birthday. He has completed another year of being free. He’s completed another year of being honored. He’s completed another year of family rallying around him. And yet, they all know.
He didn’t have to be forgiven, but I do. He didn’t have to suffer, but I do. He didn’t have to live with shame, but I do.
He abused me for 2.5 years and everyone was ok with it. His wife knew about the abuse and that there were two victims before me. And she was ok with it. His daughters knew about all 3 of us, and they are ok with it.
My other aunts, uncles, and cousins, know what happened to me, and they are all ok with it.
Meaning, he is accepted and loved as the normal one. I am cast out and made to be the shameful one. I’m the trouble maker. I’m the one who can’t let it go. I am the one who chooses to live in the past.
I’ve worked so hard on healing and trying to be “normal”. I’ve worked so hard on the nightmares. I have worked so hard on the flashbacks. In one day, one birthday cake later, I’m triggered. I’m hurting. I’m wondering why he deserves to live. Why does he deserve love?
Some people say, “Everyone deserves to be forgiven”. And while that is a true statement, it doesn’t actually work that way. The perpetrator was forgiven. I wasn’t. They couldn’t forgive me for telling, and ruining the family. I broke up a happy home. In his words, I seduced him at 12 years old. In his words, “What was he supposed to do?” He had no choice but to start a “relationship” with me. In his words, it was an “affair”.
He was 39 years old. I was 12. I had so much power back then. How come I have none now? Apparently at 12, I could appear sexy and irresistible to this 39 year old man. Wow.
Of course, I am being sarcastic and probably sound bitter. Am I justified in my feelings?
The worst part of all of this is that I can’t get angry at him. I can’t put the blame on him. Did I make it happen? Did I provoke him? Did I appear sexy in some way at 12 years old?
So happy birthday Mr. Perpetrator. Enjoy your cake. I’ll be enjoying my therapy session.Until next time – I am being MJ every day.