What a weekend it has been. Ups and downs. Tears and laughter.
After going to the hospital on Wednesday night with extremely high blood pressure, I was reminded of my lack of self-care and my inability to slow down and allow myself to breathe.
There were so many drugs pumped into me at the hospital that I was out of it until Friday.
But what happened is that I had to stop in my tracks. I had to self care. I had no choice.
On Friday, I started to feel more alert. I had a phone session with Mrs. A and probably more open and relaxed than I have ever been with her.
On Saturday, I started slowly moving around, going to the grocery store, cleaning, etc.
Saturday evening, I sat and listened to music and wrote and prayed. Wow, was that me? My third day of focusing on ME. Weird.
This morning I avoided church because it’s Mother’s Day. I couldn’t bear to see all the happy families being kind to one another and also feeling the grief of loss since my mother’s passing in October. The truth is that it’s different than losing a loving, supportive mother. It’s a loss of a dream. The loss of a desire to be loved. The loss of ever having her approval.
Yes, she loved me, in her own way. But never was able to demonstrate that love. She was mentally ill, and knee deep in her own pain.
So, I got up and went to work. After a few hours of work, I did some shopping. Nothing like retail therapy.
I bought myself a bracelet and a wallet. I bought a few pieces of candy and a note bad. Nothing big but healing my hole in my heart. Something to fill it up for the moment.
Anyway, after all that, had a burger and ice cream with my roommate. I haven’t really talked about her in my blog but more about her to follow.
After dinner, I had a long healing conversation with a friend and some tears after that. Happy tears. Rare for me. But twice this week.
Now as I prepare to lay down, my mind is racing with both good and bad.
But in the future, I’m going to practice self-care before I end up being sick and see if I can begin to heal my cracked heart.
If I can only just dare to use self care! Sounds corny but I hope it is a healing remedy for hospital visits and medications.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day. 💜🙏🏼