Day 106 – Crash and Burn

Work has been my life saver. It has protected me from thinking, feeling, and participating in relationships.

Two weeks ago I quit working at #1381 because I had been working two jobs for 7 years.

What I did was start working longer hours at my first job.

Last week my Doctor’s nurse called and said there were some things in my blood work that are a little alarming. More tests to follow on the 20th.

I told no one. But I haven’t felt well for a few weeks. The Nurse suggested more rest, less stress, etc.

In my usual fashion, I worked even more.

On Wednesday, I felt so bad but stayed at work determined to get in at least 12 hours for the day.

My co-worker keeps telling me that I need to do deep breathing and then go home. She says I look like I’m not ok.

After leaving, I stopped at our local grocery store and took my blood pressure. It was very high. I was literally seeing stars.

I left there and with the encouragement of my son and a friend, I went to the emergency room.

When I arrived, my blood pressure was 184/106. I felt so awful.

The pumped me full of drugs and sent me home.

I’ve spent the last two days on my sofa, trying to figure out how I get so out of control.

Today, I talked to Mrs. A for a phone session. Probably the most relaxed I have been in months.

We talked about relationships and love. We talked about negative self talk.

She frequently gives me homework in between sessions. Some of the assignments I avoid but eventually I try to go back to them.

I’m currently working on positive self labels. That’s a hard one for me.

Two weeks ago, we discussed my need to minimize the abuse whenever someone asks me about it. It’s too hard for me to admit I was brave and strong and survived awful things.

But in thinking about it this past week, I created this meme of myself.

I posted it on multiple private groups and it has been shared now almost 100 times.

Wow. How did I do that? I never thought adding my face to a meme would make me less ashamed. I was feeling almost like it was payback to the abusers for making me hide the secrets.

Anyway, this post is kind of all over the place but I just felt like using my down time to write and reconnect to my creative side.

I would really like to say thanks to all of the readers and especially those tbat continually follow me and/or offer support. It’s been a great experience to share and connect.

Love and prayers my sisters and brothers. šŸ’œšŸ™šŸ¼

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

3 thoughts on “Day 106 – Crash and Burn

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