Last weekend I told my story on a telesummit and was so proud of myself for being so brave. I felt like I was turning the corner and leaving CPTSD behind for good.
I was feeling so strong until Thursday. I guess I should be happy because 4 days is much better than I’ve had in a very long time.
Thursday, one small phone call turns my world upside down. No, the reaction was not appropriate but thats part of negative self talk and years of negative messages from others.
Instead of saying to myself how unrealistic those messages are, I’m already spiraling down immediately.
I forgot how strong and brave I was 4 days earlier. As the weekend progressed and I spent more time alone, I couldn’t sort the messages going on in my head.
I sent Mrs. A an email this afternoon just venting my frustration. Most likely she won’t answer until our session but I needed to say it.
I feel like I wear this brave lion costume during the day, and as soon as I’m out of work, I become the lost, cowardly lion.
It’s frustrating and confusing. It’s a cycle that creates more shame and low self-esteem.
In the meantime, a friend messages me at 5 am with encouraging words and scriptures because she is prompted to by my Heavenly Father who does all of my perenting these days.
Saturday night, I drove several hours of pointless miles, because I wanted to get away from me. What a cowardly lion. Where did the brave lion go?
Anyway, I’m ok and will keep pushing on. But I’m tired and weak. Where is the finish line? When will the cowardly lion find a den of hope?
Courage. Courage. Courage.
You can do it! Someone get the cowardly lion by the tail and calm her down.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.