Wow, wow, wow. Today I told my story again. I was a guest speaker on a telesummit called, “Living as a survivor”.
I was preparing all day. I did my hair and makeup and got dressed as if everyone could see me. I wanted to feel as if I was practicing for my future. My goal of one day public speaking is never far from my mind.
The hour before, I started to feel my stomach turning. I kept trying to breath. I felt those old twinges of self hatred and shame. I felt myself thinking that no one cares what my story is.
I stopped. I got quiet and I prayed. Deep breaths. Aromatherapy lotion. And I was ready.
I knew there were friends and family listening. I knew that I might say things that they didnt know.
I told a very abbreviated version of my story. Time doesn’t allow for deep details. Which is probably for the best.
After it was over, I continued to listen to other speakers and their stories of survival.
At the end of the telesummit, I took a deep breath. I realized how tensed up I was as we all told our stories.
As I have said in the past, it’s hard to claim it as my story. It’s hard to be sad for my little girl self. It’s hard to give myself permission to cry and grieve for my loss of innocence.
But today, I did tell it as my story. Today, I took a step towards having a purpose. Today, i was able to breath and not want to die.
I’m so grateful that God has given me strength for this day. It is, infact, all that I have.
What’s my next step? What’s my future? Whatever it is, I’ll need my Heavenly Father to help me fly.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.