Day 100 – If I Had A Dollar

This healing journey sucks at times.

It’s often hard to remember your progress when you take steps backward.

I recently trusted someone more than I have anyone in a really long time. That was a big accomplishment.

But then that person turned out to be focused differently than what I had thought their focus was.

It’s sad because I thought this person would be a part of my recovery. I thought this person would support me thru everything. What I learned is that I wasn’t completely wrong about including others in my life.

It is by far easier to be alone. Being alone or lonely may not be happier but it has it perks.

When you are alone, you don’t disappoint others.

Letting others down has been a theme in my life. Not intentional of course. But I’ve been told that I disappoint people since I was 5 years old.

I realized today that it is partly the reason I have so much trouble talking in therapy. If I am presenting everything as sunshine and roses, I must be making progress right?

Mrs. A always asks “what do you need from me?” I always say, “nothing” or “I’m good”. She says, “are you sure?”

Why can’t I just say what I need? Why can’t I just go in and be real.

The reason is because being real or being who I am was never good enough. Now I don’t even know who or what I am. I’ve been the “pleaser” for so many years. I was trying to avoid disappointing anyone.

If I had a dollar for everytime I faked being happy or nice, I’d be a millionaire.

Let me put a disclaimer by saying that there have been happy times and there are people that I try to be genuine with. But letting someone down is always in the back of my mind. Especially when it comes to crying or sadness.

Today I went into therapy struggling to even walk in. But I push myself because I sometimes fool myself into thinking that this will be the magical hour. The truth is that there is no magic. It’s just hard work and time.

Today I wanted to ask her to just sit by me as she has offered to do so many times. But I didn’t ask. I couldn’t because I couldn’t let her know how bad I was feeling. I couldn’t tell her that I was sad and lonely. I couldn’t tell her that I needed a friend at that moment.

At the same time, I wanted her to know what I needed. I wanted her to read my mind. It’s sort of setting myself up to fail so I can prove my family right. I am a failure. I can’t even ask to be cared about. I can’t expect people to accept me as I am.

So at the end of the day, I go home wishing I had unloaded the crap in my head on this person that is there solely for that purpose.

Anyway, I am just rambling and regret some of my recent decisions. But then again, I’m human right? Or am I?

Until next time – I am being MJ every day

2 thoughts on “Day 100 – If I Had A Dollar

  1. I know that feeling of expecting someone to read my mind. It seems so reasonable at the time, yet obviously impossible looking back on it later on. I wish I could turn that part of my brain off.

    Like

  2. I recently read something I’ve heard before but with a new slant, “Never be surprised when hurt people hurt people.” Sorry to hear about your disappointment. I understand the confusion and the reluctance to open up, I’m praying you find your way back to where you were before.

    Liked by 1 person

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