Day 98 – Press On!

I’ve been in South Dakota on business. I’m going home in two days. My emotions are all over the place.

I have definitly missed my son and granddaughter. I’ve definitly missed my co-workers and employees. I’ve missed my super supportive friends.

I’ve made some new friends here but at the same time, I’ve been anonymous.

Usually when I travel, I don’t have nightmares and flashbacks. But this time was different. I’ve had quite a few sleepless nights. I’ve had nightmares that weren’t scarey. But they were of me being so angry. Screaming and yelling. What the heck? How can a dream be angry? This is totally new to me.

Anyway, I leave in about 36 hours. In some ways I feel sad. I’ll miss my space. I’ll miss my anonymity. I’ll miss the refreshing sense of being away.

I had a phone session with Mrs A on Monday night and told her all of these things. I don’t think she was surprised. But she said I’ve had my time away and now it’s time to get back to business.

This healing thing is no joke. It’s not for the weak. It’s not an overnight transition. It’s not always moving forward.

The part I hate about it is taking the backward steps. It’s so discouraging. It’s so defeating.

Each time, I somehow find my way back. It’s like I have now awakened a part of me that I can’t put back to sleep. Oh how I have prayed to go back to the old numb, aimless, me. It felt so good to be on auto-pilot.

Now I have to think and feel about everything I do. Now I have to have relationships. Now I have to do something besides work. Now I have to feel joy and hurt. Now I have to be scared and brave.

My guess is that most people do these things without much thought.

I analyze every thought and feeling. I spend most of my awake hours trying to control life. Mrs A says that this is the reason that my nights are hell. I spend so much time trying to avoid unpleasant thoughts and feelings so they are manifested in my dreams.

Anyway, I’m pep talking myself and gearing home for a fresh start. I’m going to push forward.

I’m going to keep blogging. I’m going to finish developing my website. I’m going to continue to work with non-profits that bring awareness. I’m going to continue to pursue public speaking and telling my story where ever possible. I’m going to continue to be available to others who are in recovery.

I want to succeed at healing. I want to stop trying to quit. I want to keep fighting the darkness. I want to press on.

Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.

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