Day 93 – Please Stop the Dreams

For one week, I had a reprieve from the nightmares. I thought to myself that this has to be a turning point. But then again, that has happened before.

Each time I feel like I’ve really got this thing conquered and I’m now going to join the rest of the normal sleeping world.

In my mind, I am the only one who has nightmares and then stay up for days to avoid having another one.

Night before last I had the spookiest dream that was like a horror movie. It was simple and fast but repeated all night. I suffered all day yesterday with a migraine and got in bed last night around 6:30pm hoping for another reprieve.

Last night’s dream was unusual because I actually dreamed of one of my perpetrators molesting me. The dream was in full color and detail. In the dream I am an adult.

I woke up trying to figure out why I dreamed this and why would I allow him to do that again as an adult.

Sometimes I get angry because I can’t figure out why I can’t take control in my dreams. I should be able to. I should be stronger than these memories.

For some reason, I’m still taking the blame. Even in my dreams.

I still have the migraine and now Im tearful again because I’ve seen this person that I hate doing something to me that I hate, and now I have to go to work.

Is this a punishment? Why God?

Please God. Please stop the dreams. It’s been 16 months of hell. I’ve paid my dues right??

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

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