For one week, I had a reprieve from the nightmares. I thought to myself that this has to be a turning point. But then again, that has happened before.
Each time I feel like I’ve really got this thing conquered and I’m now going to join the rest of the normal sleeping world.
In my mind, I am the only one who has nightmares and then stay up for days to avoid having another one.
Night before last I had the spookiest dream that was like a horror movie. It was simple and fast but repeated all night. I suffered all day yesterday with a migraine and got in bed last night around 6:30pm hoping for another reprieve.
Last night’s dream was unusual because I actually dreamed of one of my perpetrators molesting me. The dream was in full color and detail. In the dream I am an adult.
I woke up trying to figure out why I dreamed this and why would I allow him to do that again as an adult.
Sometimes I get angry because I can’t figure out why I can’t take control in my dreams. I should be able to. I should be stronger than these memories.
For some reason, I’m still taking the blame. Even in my dreams.
I still have the migraine and now Im tearful again because I’ve seen this person that I hate doing something to me that I hate, and now I have to go to work.
Is this a punishment? Why God?
Please God. Please stop the dreams. It’s been 16 months of hell. I’ve paid my dues right??
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.