Abuse perpetrators know how to manipulate their victims into believing it is their fault.
For two and a half years I went thru sexual abuse by a male family member.
He spent a lot of time, in the beginning, telling me how special I was. He told me I was beautiful. He told me I was so mature. He told me that I was different than other kids.
All of those things set me up to receive the abuse without question. Now I know that it’s called “grooming”.
But as the abuse becomes more agressive and violent, I decided to tell.
I tried to tell several teachers at school. But what happened was not intervention and, infact, set me up to blame myself even more.
As I’m sharing the story to these teachers, I am explaining it as an “affair” because that’s what I was told it was.
Mr. Perpetrator had me believing that all of this was because he loved me and I was his girl.
Anyway, as I’m describing this to other adults as an affair, I just got strange looks and brush off comments.
Maybe they thought I was having a school girl crush or something. Regardless, no one did anything.
This caused me to believe that I allowed this to happen and was totally to blame.
This was many years ago, so maybe the teachers just werent educated but I was 12 and 13. This man was in his 40’s. How could any adult feel that it was an affair?
The blame and shame have stayed with me all these years.
I’m trying to learn where to appropriately place the blame but its been a struggle.
The results of that abuse was low self esteem, withdrawl, depression, suicide attempts, etc.
As I’m learning to love me, there’s always that negative self talk lingering in my mind.
I’m determined to recover and show him that he didn’t win. I’m determined to educate others on the effects of childhood sexual abuse.
I’m learning to be thankful that I survived but I will never EVER forget that affair.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.