It’s the night before my next session with Ms. A and it’s the usual anxiety about what to talk about.
It took me a long time to admit to her and myself that there was more than one perpetrator. And even after that admission, I was still holding on to more secrets.
14 months of therapy and there still things I haven’t shared.
Why? Because it’s reality. Because it’s admitting to yourself and someone else that you were a “throwaway” child. It’s admitting that you had no control over who loved you and cared for you.
I was left alone in situations that no small child or teenager should ever be left in.
I thought it was normal. I thought being abused was part of life that every little girl had to go thru.
I thought that all parents were mean. I thought that all parents were disinterested in their kids lives.
I thought that God was punishing me for being born.
So when I say these things out loud, I can’t deny that it happened to me. I can’t deny that I’m broken and used.
I was ok with being numb. Much less pain that way.
I have a story and I hate it. I want someone else’s story.
My goal is acceptance. My goal is to bring awareness to others. My lifelong dream is to have peace.
But how can I do these things if I can’t tell the secrets?
How do I let them all go?
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.