Day 83 – Long Days

Since my second job is in retail, I’ve worked very long hours the last few weeks. I’m tired but it’s been good for me.

It took my mind off of healing and recovery. I was working so hard at trying to get better. I put so much pressure on myself to get well.

A couple of times during the past few weeks, I have really struggled with emotions and every day life. I tried to keep it to myself because I was sure that my friends would be annoyed that I’m still going thru stuff.

Ms. A says that I shouldn’t decide what other people will think and let them think for theirselves. Most of the time, I decide in my mind how someone will react to what I say long before I even say it.

I guess part of being vulnerable is not being able to predict the future.

I spent so much of my life trying to prepare for the worst, that I forgot that good results do happen.

I want to change my expectations, but what happens if I set myself up just to be let down again?

Having low expectations is much easier than the emotions of being hurt or let down.

Anyway, I am tired. From long hours of hard work. At least I’m not tired from crying, nightmares, flashbacks and awful memories.

True, I am sleeping very little because of working but again, I’m ok with blocking out these things when I’m overwhelmed.

Any family holiday is very hard for me and I’d prefer for them all to be cancelled.

Lonliness is hard to admit. Missing loved ones is hard to admit. Watching other families be together at the holidays is painful. Even though most of my family has disowned me, I still miss them.

I did some Christmas shopping today and was mostly just annoyed at what I used to enjoy celebrating.

I also think of my three brothers and my mother, as they have already passed.

My brother, Michael, loved Christmas. My favorite memory is of us flying a remote control helicopter in the nursing home. We laughed so much. It turned out to be his last Christmas.

This post is all over the place with random thoughts, but it’s really where my mind is. I feel scattered and messy. Like I need to sweep up my emotions and put them in a jar.

But now that they are open beginning to become real, I don’t think I can put them back. I would if I could, believe me.

I’m in for a very long busy week and a very important meeting on Tuesday. I’m going to try to just let it happen and not pre-judge the outcome.

If the week turns out bad I’m sure I will survive. Right?

Until next time, I am being MJ every day.

2 thoughts on “Day 83 – Long Days

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