Day 80 – Fearing Rest

I planned a vacation day today. I was going to be off work and enjoy some me time.

I did end up having me time but not the way I planned it.

I had some routine bloodwork yesterday morning and went on to work. I’ve been pretty tired the last few days but continued my normal workaholic life.

Late in the afternoon, I had a call from my Doctor’s office but missed them. By this time, Im feeling like I have the flu or something. I went out shopping for a bit but had to cut it short and go home.

I woke up this morning with zero energy so I just stayed in bed. I got another call from the doctor’s office and it turns out my potassium and electrolytes were out of whack.

I did what I hate to do. And that is rest. The whole time I’m bored and anxious.

I’m awful at self care and it does eventually catch up with me.

As I’m laying here today, I’m forced to think about why it’s so hard for me.

I think the number one reason is that I feel like such a failure if I have to rest. It wasn’t until this year that I realized where that comes from.

When I was a child, staying awake was my protection. Staying vigilant during the night meant that I could be aware and prepare for any visitors during the night.

And during the day, if I appeared rested and happy, no one would know the secrets.

It became a life long habit of hiding my weakness and failures.

Today I was forced to rest. My body said, “No more!”.

It’s frustrating and humiliating to know that I am, infact, human.

I have to conciously forgive myself. I was praying for God to help me with my lack of self care. I don’t thinks it’s intentional but more like habit and fear.

Fearing rest is what I do. It’s a bad habit. It’s not normal. I want to change all of my abnormal fears. Where do I start? Maybe I’ll start by just learning to breathe.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

2 thoughts on “Day 80 – Fearing Rest

  1. Ive struggled to rest until recently. Even when I was in the middle of my breast cancer treatment I found it impossible. Its part of being too hard on ourselves in my experience and yes the fear if we relax we may be overcome by some destructive force.

    Liked by 1 person

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