I’m sitting here having dinner alone in Boston Market. I was just thinking that I should be trying not to think.
I don’t have great pictures or quotes to represent my mood. I’m feeling blank tonight. A combination of exhaustion andemotion overload.
Tomorrow is therapy with Ms. A. Every week, I say I’m not going, and every week I go.
Two reasons. One, it would be total rebellion to not show up. I would never do that. Two, I keep thinking that this will be the magic week. The session that cures me. The one where I walk out finally knowing who I am.
But the apprehension of what to say and how to act while I’m there drives me crazy.
Does everyone do this before therapy?
Last night I woke up yelling and crying in my sleep again. Only I guess I handled it a little better because I had a relatively non-emotional day.
Was that handling it well? Who knows? I don’t know what is right and wrong in this process.
All I know is that this disorder has me disordered.
So as I sit here (literally the only customer) trying to quiet my brain, I can’t help thinking that I should be in Boston. Or Atlanta. Or Houston. Or anyplace other than where I am at this moment.
Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.