Day 79 – I’m in Boston

I’m sitting here having dinner alone in Boston Market. I was just thinking that I should be trying not to think.

I don’t have great pictures or quotes to represent my mood. I’m feeling blank tonight. A combination of exhaustion andemotion overload.

Tomorrow is therapy with Ms. A. Every week, I say I’m not going, and every week I go.

Two reasons. One, it would be total rebellion to not show up. I would never do that. Two, I keep thinking that this will be the magic week. The session that cures me. The one where I walk out finally knowing who I am.

But the apprehension of what to say and how to act while I’m there drives me crazy.

Does everyone do this before therapy?

Last night I woke up yelling and crying in my sleep again. Only I guess I handled it a little better because I had a relatively non-emotional day.

Was that handling it well? Who knows? I don’t know what is right and wrong in this process.

All I know is that this disorder has me disordered.

So as I sit here (literally the only customer) trying to quiet my brain, I can’t help thinking that I should be in Boston. Or Atlanta. Or Houston. Or anyplace other than where I am at this moment.

Until next time – I am being MJ everyday.

6 thoughts on “Day 79 – I’m in Boston

  1. I feel the same about therapy if its any consolation. I think its cause part of us wants to be free of it all but we went through it. I sometimes think I feel worse after or during therapy but its only because it stirs up stuff and then it settles down and I feel much better after it. I also question when do we just stop stirring this stuff up. Its in the past although it does affect us. I have no answers either. Its a process making peace with our past.

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  2. You sound like me. Twenty years later cancelling my appointment, suddenly overwhelmed by fatigue are common weekly happenings. Like no one instance twisted you around, there is no one “magic session”. In hindsight you’ll see they all work together to make the “magic” amaze you and all of us who share your journey with you. Amen ❤

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  3. I meant to write “thinking about cancelling my appointment…” The center that works with me reduced my fee to next-to-nothing, so I don’t cancel. Bigger fingers. Tiny keyboard that won’t scroll back more than one line =>

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