Day 77 – Stuck on Replay

Monday night I went to bed feeling very positive about the upcoming week and the things I wanted to accomplish.

About 4:30am, I jolted upright in bed because I felt someone’s hand grab the back of my leg and lower buttocks. I was screaming for God to help me in my partially awake state.

It took me some time to realize that wasn’t real and regroup into a settled state.

Eventually, I dozed back off only to have the same thing happen again.

At that point, there was no regrouping or calming down. This took the meaning of a flashback to a whole new level.

I was devestated. I was shocked. I had no idea that could happen. How come no one told me to expect this?

I’m finally together enough to drive to work. I’m late and trying to reach Ms. A. I’m panicking.

To be honest, I was fighting the suicidal and self harm ideas. How could I go thru any more symptoms and survive it?

I made it to her office at noon, and couldn’t wait to just release it.

After talking, we sort of came to the same conclusion that we always do. I need to start talking and sharing those horrible events so that I can be free of this awful shame.

Shame is what keeps me from telling her, or anyone else. Shame is a prison with artificial bars. They really aren’t there and yet I still can’t escape.

Shame is a self-imposed misbelief that everything about us is bad. Also the belief that we could have prevented these events.

There is also the issue of trusting that I can handle my own reality.

Ms. A told me that I control the shame and it doesn’t control me. Wow. Really? I’m thinking this over still today.

She also said that the shame leaves a hole and we need to fill it with something else. What could I possibly fill it with. Self-love? Happy thoughts? Joy?

How do I start to do that when I’m constantly haunted?

It’s a horrible cycle. I start to feel strength. Disclose a detail. And the awful nightmares are back. I withdraw until I start to feel stronger and the same cycle starts again.

How do I continue to let out the secrets inspite of the excruciating pain and shame?

I’m searching for answers so that I can get this nightmare off of repeat and finally start living again.

Thank you PTSD for reminding me that there is still much work to be done.

Until next time – I am being MJ every day.

4 thoughts on “Day 77 – Stuck on Replay

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