It’s midnight and I should be sleeping. Instead, I’m awake and trying to find the courage to do nothing.
That may not make sense to everyone but doing nothing is a big deal to me.
Doing nothing means I have to think about something. Doing nothing means I can’t block the silence. Doing nothing means that the self talk takes over. Doing nothing means that I might feel something.
I have spent the majority of my life trying to do anything to block the nothing.
In the nothing lies the memories. In the nothing lies the emotional scars. In the nothing there is complete fear of losing my grip on my accomplishments.
Fear is not always so visible. Sometimes its completely transparent. And for me, fear has been my protection. Fear has kept me alive. Fear has allowed me to isolate myself from letting others love me.
If it wasn’t for fear, how could I function? How could I be so unguarded? What if I don’t fear and I get hurt?
Each time I lay in bed in an attempt to sleep, I have to find courage.
Much of my abuse occurred in my bed and/or during the night. Every night I’m faced with the same memories. The same fears. The same demons.
And while my mind knows that I am safe now, my little girl memories remind me to be vigilant and aware of my surroundings even as I sleep.
And when I’m completely exhausted and there’s no more energy for fear, I find the courage to finally do nothing.
Please God, take control of the nothing, so that I can have the courage to sleep peacefully and without fear.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.