It’s 4:54 am and I’ve been up for a while now.
I should be exhausted and sleeping like a rock. But I’m awake, as usual, and feeling needy.
So, i had this conversation with Ms. A on Friday. It went something like this: I’m always available to my friends and family to call or text as needed for anything. I will do everything in my power to make sure they know that I care. But it’s different for me.
I don’t feel like I should “bother” anyone. Even those that said, more times than I can count, to call for anything. I just don’t.
Why? Because I feel needy. I feel like a child. I feel like a “cry-baby”. I feel like people have to be sick of hearing about my “problems”. I feel like it’s too petty to bother anyone.
Ms. A says that I have a different set of rules for myself than I have for everyone else.
I’m not my own friend most of the time. I’m annoyed by me most of the time. I’m tired of hearing “my stuff” ALL of the time.
But I can’t avoid me. I’m always here. And that’s when the suicidal thoughts come in.
It’s a war I fight within my own mind almost daily. No one can see it or hear it. But it’s always there.
Be quiet my mind. And don’t wake me for at least four hours. I really need the rest. Thank you for your cooperation.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.