Today I was at work and I had that Ah ha moment when you suddenly see what you have been missing most of your life.
What I realized was that I took over where “they” left off.
Being abused as a child, whether it be physically, sexually, or verbally, leaves you scarred and disabled. You are so used to being minimized that you don’t know what it means to be a whole person.
For me, I only knew hurt and betrayal and I never felt like any part of me was loveable.
So, as the abuse was ending, I would continually find reasons why I was not loveable. I would either sabotage myself, or a relationship or anything that would cause me to believe in myself.
It’s harder to dissapoint yourself when you have no expectations of yourself.
So if you always feel like a loser, then you can’t lose. If you always feel like you are not good enough, then you can’t fail. And if you always feel like you aren’t loveable then you can’t be rejected.
It’s easier to walk a path alone than to walk with someone who keeps tripping you. Maybe you will never reach your destination, but you wont fall again.
And just like that I realized that I isolate myself because it’s easier than being hurt by others. I criticize myself because it’s easier than being being vulnerable to other’s opinions.
Hurting yourself is less painful and less unexpected than being hurt by others.
I started it probably even before the abuse stopped.
This moment took me more than 40 years but I saw it today.
I saw the mean girl and it was me.
Until next next time – I an being MJ everyday.