Since Mom died, I’ve been feeling blank. Feeling nothing. Good or bad. Walking around like a zombie.
As usual (on Tuesday) I went to therapy with Ms. A. She was her usual compassionate, kind self.
The session started with the usual, “So catch me up” conversation that we always start with.
Somehow, the conversation evolved into talking about my communication and interaction in my relationships.
I suddenly started to feel defensive and like I was under attack. Ms. A was trying to get me to look out a particular situation and how I may not have handled a situation in the best way. And she was right. Except that I felt like Im always fxxxing things up. I felt like I just failed at one more attempt at somewhat of a normal life.
She said didn’t want me to feel like it was just something to add to my list of failures. But that’s all I could think.
I left without looking at her. I was ashamed. And felt like jumping in front of a car. Seriously. All I could think is that I can’t wait for this life to be over.
And I got in my car thinking about how quickly that spiraled out of control.
The good thing or not so good thing is that I felt something. I shed two tears. Literally. And then I cut it off. I went back to work to close up and head to my second job.
Thank God for 1381. It has saved my life on more than one occassion.
What I realized is that Ms. A was right. She’s always right. And the truth hurts. It hurts because I do not know how to let my guard down and change these negative behaviors and thoughts.
I dont know how to love and be loved. I’m dysfunctional in so many different ways.
Physically Im exhausted. I’ve slept about 6 hours over the last 3 days.
I’m going to spend the next few days thinking about today’s session and seriously praying to God that I can make the changes.
Until next time – I am being MJ every day.